Non-Writing Writer?

                  

All I'm doing is deleting. I had grand plans this month, to blog twice a week at minimum, three times a week and I'd be really awesome. I failed at that, obviously. I have close to ten half-written ramblings typed into my computer, even more in my notebook. I just deleted most of them; I'm tempted to rip a few pages out of my notebook, flush them, shred them, something.

I don't know what it is, but I seem incapable of producing anything worthwhile these days. I was full of ideas at the beginning of the month, really, just brimful. But when it comes time to actually sit down and get it out, translate what is in my head into actual language, all I get is a pile of shitty, unreadable first drafts. I hate first drafts. I barely have time to write, let alone to edit.

I feel like a non-writing writer. Is that even possible?

I guess I'll start over. I'm no good at keeping track of the small details that make up a life, to-do lists and all that jazz. I misplace things regularly and in some ways, am about as far from a Type A personality as you can get. But I do really, really care about this little writing space of mine, about the ideas and the stories and the opinions I am carrying. This matters to me, and I want to do it well.

I don't know that this post has a real point, except to say that I'm still out here, working on moving from non-writing writer to always-writing writer, even if it means a pile of first drafts for the trash pile. It's all progress, right?

So hey, if you know me and feel up to it, make sure I'm writing. Ask me about it. Be really mean about it if you want to. You won't hurt my feelings. There's nothing like a bit of pressure to get the mind whirring, the hands moving.

And here's to starting over, to making new plans. I'll get this figured out one of these days, hopefully very soon.